Also, I want to start appreciating morning for what it's worth. If that means getting to sleep earlier than so be it. Morning is a glorious time of the day where the world wakes up and becomes alive... it should be celebrated. I might not be a "morning person," but I sure as heck can appreciate and love it like I am.
well. First off I would like to apologize for this awful picture... I have the flu in this picture... and right this very second (but I caught the flu literally hours after my haircut... and I took this on the way to the doctors just to document.)
yes... I got a HUGE haircut... I have never had my hair this short as of ever and the verdict is: sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I am not really sure cause I have only had it while I have also had the flu and you cannot be expected to be the best judge of anything while you have such sicknesses.
I have honestly been afraid of blogging since so much has happened in these past two months I haven't wanted to start something and not be able to finish... but I will just have to rest in the fact that God and I will just know all that went on and that's quite alright.
Since my last post (the Christmas Ball) I have had Christmas break, new classes, I am stage managing a Greek tragedy, I have a sweet new boyfriend, new trials, new lessons, new, new, new. [listen people... new is... so tough for me]
I don't know if it really took college to show me how much I really didn't like new or if I always knew that the rush and excitement that people get when new things are on the horizon always came with a tinge of pain and sourness to me. I like cheeseburgers with mayo, lettuce, and cheese cooked medium well with a side of french fries so much that I will get it almost anywhere I go. I like everything put in the places that I put them whether messy or clean just cause I don't like to find a new place for it go when it logically was placed in it's perfect place before (or at least in my mind). I'll argue at the drop of a hat to defend my case against my dear friends and family from back home, but the second they are gone, I weep at the thought of them. I didn't even like the new additions at camp at first even if I knew they were better, just cause they were NEW. New storm, new food, new gym, new director, new schedule, new, new, new, new. The new things that make people so ecstatic sometimes make me sick inside, to be frank.
I do think God is preparing me because I know that I am called to not only new and out of my comfort zone, but I am called to darkness. I am called to a place where I can only go if I am fully prepared and protected by God. But I hate. hate. loathe. hate. hate. learning this lesson when I am in the eye of the hurricane. I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my food, I miss my camp, I miss myquigwhiouqehrgioh3rg ah! my grades, my classes, my church, my youth group, my team, my stupid dog, my room, my yard, my weather, my hair, my bulletin board. gosh. I have the flu.
These few months especially I have been going through some really tough things. Satan is attacking me hard and I know that and am growing closer to God in a painful but also relieving way. Some days I LITERALLY feel God ripping me apart just so HE can put me back together... but it is hurting me... and it is sad that I sometimes feel like I have no one around me anymore that can help.
I will pause to say that God has blessed me with friends that will probably be close to me for the rest of my life... they are my laughter and life here at college and they are a huge encouragement. And my dear, sweet boyfriend is phenomenal... he is loving, sweet, caring, always puts my needs first, and is the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.
In conclusion, I have honestly had the roughest time I have ever had in my life. I have the flu and I have never been surrounded my so many people that DON'T want to help people when they are sick (not including Ben. For that I am so thankful) My best friends from home would always ask, always bring me things, always be there for me... and I for them. This alone has been a learning experience and just a reminder how blessed I am for that huge mass of people I call my family back home. I don't know. So selfish sounding that I want help or "need" the company of others... sounds I guess like another lesson from God and how I need to only rely on Him. OH how I feel like I can't take it sometimes. I feel broken... and for goodness sake... I cry way too much. I am not even a mom yet.
anyways, not the happiest post. But Court... wanted one... and I have to be HONEST on my BLOG. I am tired of telling everyone I am happy anyways... I am joyful because of the good God I serve... but this withering happiness crap is crap.
p.s. I love my new boyfriend, I love ALL of my friends, and I love that I am being prepared for my future. and I will still order cheeseburgers... with the occasional salad. maybe.
The Christmas Ball was on of the best nights of my life... and I am officially sending an email to RUC to ask about a Sadie Hawkins dance.. every talks about it and no one does it... so by darn it.. I AM!
I am so busy with schoolwork... I literally have SO, SO, SO MUCH! But... in a week it will almost basically be winter/Christmas break (: wooooh!!!
This is a short one of little importance... but... I really do have school, people!
I am thankful for breaks. I fell absolutely in love with my best friends and back home all over again this break and in love with my college and dear friends again when returning... sometimes breaks show you what you are blessed with. (REMINDER: never stopped loving them... just was reunited with the fresh feeling again.)
I wish I could properly record everything that goes on here... I keep wanting to start a journal but I honestly, honestly feel like I have missed so much that I wouldn't be doing a journal justice to just start in the middle of my life. However, I might start soon... maybe...
College has been new. First semester of college (or at least for me) has been a whirlwind of highs and lows and new experiences worthy of laughter at times and crying other times. I am so, so, so super thankful for my new best friends... it is ridiculous really. God didn't have to bless me with these two girls (among others of course) at all... but He did, just because He is God and loves to love His daughter. I have already been blessed with my dear, precious friends back home and now I have friends from this home and that is something to be thankful for indeed. (plus, all of these dear people are responsible for changing my life forever and making me smile at the darkest of times. God uses friends powerfully for sure.)
I have learned things that have made me stronger and more prepared for the things in my future. I am more confident than ever that I want to act... I am more confident than ever that I am on the path that God wants me to be on. It's rough, people.. it is HARD to follow God at all times when Satan knows what makes you weak. But you have to make the decision to not fight the battle on your own (because you will epically fail), but to give God the reigns and just fall in love with Him, seek Him, know Him. I am learning things about myself that I haven't paid much attention to. Things that were blocking my path to growth and were not only hurting myself but sometimes also hurting other people. One of my beautiful friends said, "It hurts so much to be broken. It's odd feeling because it's not Satan, it's God and I know it's good... but it's just hard." and it IS hard but like she said... I know it's hard and I know it's good.
I am thankful. I am persevering more than ever now and I know that God is with me. I know God is with my family back home. I know God is with the students here at Regent. I know God is with my camp. I know God is with my friends that are spread all over the place at different universities. We are all going through things... very different things because we are all different people... but God is with us all, and He wants to hear, wants to take it all, and wants to love us. My prayer is that we let Him... Pray for me that I let Him.
seventeen days left of this semester and I am going to decorate my apartment for Christmas soon. I love Christmas.
"Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other. Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God! Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other. Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then what could stand against. And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then what could stand against. What could stand against."
You know, college has its MAJOR ups and its MAJOR downs... just like life. However, it is very, very comforting to know that my God sticks with me, waits for me, longs for my devotion and with Him nothing and no one can stop me.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my everything. I have a desire to let everyone know about him and have the oppertunity to grow close in his loving arms. I believe that he gave me certain talents to use in reaching the lost and I can't wait to see how God uses me in his already written story.