Tuesday, February 22, 2011

new post.

well. First off I would like to apologize for this awful picture... I have the flu in this picture... and right this very second (but I caught the flu literally hours after my haircut... and I took this on the way to the doctors just to document.)

yes... I got a HUGE haircut... I have never had my hair this short as of ever and the verdict is: sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I am not really sure cause I have only had it while I have also had the flu and you cannot be expected to be the best judge of anything while you have such sicknesses.

I have honestly been afraid of blogging since so much has happened in these past two months I haven't wanted to start something and not be able to finish... but I will just have to rest in the fact that God and I will just know all that went on and that's quite alright.

Since my last post (the Christmas Ball) I have had Christmas break, new classes, I am stage managing a Greek tragedy, I have a sweet new boyfriend, new trials, new lessons, new, new, new. [listen people... new is... so tough for me]

I don't know if it really took college to show me how much I really didn't like new or if I always knew that the rush and excitement that people get when new things are on the horizon always came with a tinge of pain and sourness to me. I like cheeseburgers with mayo, lettuce, and cheese cooked medium well with a side of french fries so much that I will get it almost anywhere I go. I like everything put in the places that I put them whether messy or clean just cause I don't like to find a new place for it go when it logically was placed in it's perfect place before (or at least in my mind). I'll argue at the drop of a hat to defend my case against my dear friends and family from back home, but the second they are gone, I weep at the thought of them. I didn't even like the new additions at camp at first even if I knew they were better, just cause they were NEW. New storm, new food, new gym, new director, new schedule, new, new, new, new. The new things that make people so ecstatic sometimes make me sick inside, to be frank.

I do think God is preparing me because I know that I am called to not only new and out of my comfort zone, but I am called to darkness. I am called to a place where I can only go if I am fully prepared and protected by God. But I hate. hate. loathe. hate. hate. learning this lesson when I am in the eye of the hurricane. I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my food, I miss my camp, I miss myquigwhiouqehrgioh3rg ah! my grades, my classes, my church, my youth group, my team, my stupid dog, my room, my yard, my weather, my hair, my bulletin board. gosh. I have the flu.

These few months especially I have been going through some really tough things. Satan is attacking me hard and I know that and am growing closer to God in a painful but also relieving way. Some days I LITERALLY feel God ripping me apart just so HE can put me back together... but it is hurting me... and it is sad that I sometimes feel like I have no one around me anymore that can help.

I will pause to say that God has blessed me with friends that will probably be close to me for the rest of my life... they are my laughter and life here at college and they are a huge encouragement. And my dear, sweet boyfriend is phenomenal... he is loving, sweet, caring, always puts my needs first, and is the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.

In conclusion, I have honestly had the roughest time I have ever had in my life. I have the flu and I have never been surrounded my so many people that DON'T want to help people when they are sick (not including Ben. For that I am so thankful) My best friends from home would always ask, always bring me things, always be there for me... and I for them. This alone has been a learning experience and just a reminder how blessed I am for that huge mass of people I call my family back home. I don't know. So selfish sounding that I want help or "need" the company of others... sounds I guess like another lesson from God and how I need to only rely on Him. OH how I feel like I can't take it sometimes. I feel broken... and for goodness sake... I cry way too much. I am not even a mom yet.

anyways, not the happiest post. But Court... wanted one... and I have to be HONEST on my BLOG. I am tired of telling everyone I am happy anyways... I am joyful because of the good God I serve... but this withering happiness crap is crap.

p.s. I love my new boyfriend, I love ALL of my friends, and I love that I am being prepared for my future. and I will still order cheeseburgers... with the occasional salad. maybe.

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